Missing Jax

Jax, my black lab, died on January 13th, three days after his 12th birthday. 

I still miss him. At first there was a lot of grief, but also a relief that he was no longer in pain. Also, life was made somewhat easier. No hair all over. No having to take him outside. No food, water dishes. 

For several weeks I would come home and still expect him to be there, somewhere, ready to greet me, tail wagging happily. That passed. Seeing dogs in pictures or tv, particularly those that look like him still tweeks my stomach a bit. I pass by the pet section in a store and have to remind myself there is no reason even to browse. 

The last couple weeks I've been working in the yard where some of his last poops remain. What used to be an annoyance is now a sad reminder of the friend I used to have who is no longer with me. I don't want those to go away, but I know they will decompose, just like everything else eventually does. 

And now when the doorbell rings, I worry that it'll wake the baby, not cause Jax to bark. That makes me feel a little guilty - that I'm somehow replacing him. 

I know I'm a little silly, but I kind of want to put up a squirrel feeder, mainly to keep them away from my bird feeders. But Jax always hated squirrels, so I feel like I'd be disloyal if I started tending to the tree rats. 

I miss him and still can't believe he's gone. 

Candy crush saga

When I first saw friends playing this game, I thought it sounded stupid. 

Well, now I'm addicted. I love puzzle games, and not only is this game puzzling, but it's challenging and evolving. Still, it's only a game. 

But, life mirrors this game. Some days you'll get through several levels. Other times you'll have a level you work on for weeks or more. You might even give up for a while. Then one day you'll sigh, and give it a half-hearted try and get through it!  Once you reach a new area, you need friends to help you get to the next one. Just recently I passed my last friend who was ahead of me. 

You'll have days like that. Ones where it feels easy and you're skipping through life. Other times, the day seems difficult. You can almost see how to get through it, but you don't feel you have the skills or concepts to achieve the finish line. Sometimes you'll need a powerup. And you'll need friends to get you to the next area. You just need to keep plugging away. 

A few observations

First of all, I'm convinced that the squeakiness of a floorboard is directly proportional to how close it is to a sleeping baby.  Move the baby and different boards squeak. I've tried it. 

I'm also certain that whomever designed the entertainment cabinets with glass fronts had an infant. As I see my son trying to get through to my components, I am thankful he/she did. 

Snaps on baby clothes should be color-coded or numbered, at least in critical regions. A couple times I've snapped up my boy in such ways that he was contorted to have a leg functioning as an arm. 

I'm going to design a baby toy made of coaxial cables and power cords. Maybe with a fake wall outlet to plug it into?  Only thing is, I'm convinced fake cords won't work, as his baby superpowers would instantly discern the difference.  So most of my research budget will probably be spent on how to make it safe. 

Carrying case

Anyone else use the baby seat as a carrying case?  Now, I don't mind the cool diaper bag we got for the shower but the handles on the damned thing are too short for me to put it over my shoulder. And my hands are full with carrying the car seat, which apparently gains two pounds for every pound Alex grows. At nearly nine months, I estimate the total weight of baby and seat to be about 132lbs. 

And since that usually requires two hands, I try to put everything else I need into the seat. I tuck his bottle next to him. I'll put my phone on his stomach. Mail?  Yep, that gets lumped on. Hat. Wallet. 12-pack?  Basically if he can't swallow it, it's in there. He peeks through the eclectic jungle like a baby fawn, scared there will be a tiger around the corner, but still curious. Either that or he can't breathe. I'm not sure. 

One of the best things about having a baby and being a SAHD (stay at home dad) is that you have someone who is always happy to see you and thinks you are the funniest motherfucker in the world. He might be entertained by something super complex like the shadows his hand makes or how far he can get his foot in his mouth, but when he catches sight of me looking at him he'll break into a wide, gummy grin and act like I'm the most amazing thing he's ever seen. I'm sure he thinks of me as a thing, not a whom. Also, I am really funny. All those years being an olnly child have served me well. Hours in front of a mirror contorting my face into weird expressions and making strange sounds have, up til now, only allowed me the coveted title of "most likely to annoy" in every friends group I've been a member. Now, however, a squinty face or a vibrating of my uvula (yes, dudes have uvulas) sends him into convulsions. I am funny!  Either that or he's rabid or something. Hmm, he IS drooling. I'd better check that out. I'll get back to you. 

Hallucinations

So, sometimes, I am certain I hear the baby crying in the other room...even when he's sitting on my lap. It's weird how conditioned I am to that sound now. Whether it's in the store or the background on a tv show, I instantly look around, even when my son is right there and doing fine. 

Time management is mostly out the window. Plan as much as you want, but almost everything gets interrupted. And, when it isn't, my brain is mush.  For instance, I've been trying to get some time to sit down and blog. And now that he's playing quietly in his baby jail, I sit down and realize I can't remember all the crap I wanted to write. 

But, Sears will be here soon to deliver the new dryer. I'm so incredibly domesticated, it isn't funny.  So, I'll just cut this off and try to post again soon.