Parenting

They say parenting changes everything. Having desired to be a parent for decades, I guess i had plenty of time to establish a life which would change. However, I was unprepared for how that change would take place. Surely there were sleepless nights (and I presume more in the future). Yes, stinky diapers, searches for products and programs to aid in the care and development of the little bugger ran rampant. Paternal protectiveness arose, augmenting my already high propensity for such with friends and family. But now, this infant creation is turning into an actual human. Sometimes annoying as hell - both by his requirement for attention as well as the fact it interrupts nearly every facet of my life. And he is developing himself. Many times this means copying me - his dad. But, with increasing frequency, it involves development of his own preferences and procilivities completely separate from any parental influence. And, as he becomes his own person, we are forging a bond that evolves past the parent-child bond. Sometimes i just like to sit near him. I enjoy our conversations. Many times an event or activity - even those not geared towards his majesty - are more enjoyable with his presence than without. I wake thinking about how crabby he will inevitiably be before school, but i still long to see him. I look forward to seeing his face after school. If one can be friends with someone whose care is his responsibility as well as 1/5th as developed as him, then I guess that is what is happening.

America, home of the...

People are terrified in the Unite States. People are sad. But it isn't because Trump is our next president. It's because of what was revealed about America.

America is mostly racist.

America mostly thinks women are disposable. They value men over women. They prefer sons to daughters. They prefer fathers to mothers. They support a man being paid more for doing the same job as a woman. They believe women should not be able to make decisions about their own bodies.

America is Christian. Or at least they think they are. Most don't even know what Christianity means, aren't true followers of Jesus. Either way, no other religion matters but Christianity in the US. If you believe anything else, you are not welcome here.

America is not welcoming of other nationalities, immigrants or other cultures. While this may seem odd, considering our country is made up of mostly immigrants, legal or otherwise, the people who are here now consider themselves the only ones who deserve to be here. Everyone else stay out. The only group of indigenous people in North America are consistently abused, neglected, stolen from, lied to. As I said, America is racist.

If you have any other sexual orientation than heterosexual, you should not have the same rights as heterosexuals. The constitution does not apply to you.

This is not America under Trump. This is America RIGHT NOW. These are our beliefs. If you do not believe this, you are in the minority.

This is 2016 and the question which was answered was not "How stupid are the American People?". The question was, "What kind of people are we?"

Shaman of the tribe

I've had the opportunity to be a member of some pretty special friends groups in my lifetime. Some people idolize me but more often than not I'm the member of the group to make everyone laugh or the party guy. I had one friend describe me as the shaman of the group. I'm the one people go to for advice, to ease their troubled minds or off of whom you bounce ideas. 

I have never been the one who everybody comes to see. I'm not the administrator. I'm not the owner of the gathering place. And I've had my feelings hurt when my friends have called other "leaders" of a group when they're home from break or someone else is the one they turn to when they want to hang out. I always wanted to be that leader, the one who organizes the group. The glue. 

But now I think I'm ok being the shaman. I don't mind being the witch doctor. I'm ok being the diplomat behind the scenes. While I may not be the figure head, I am the empathetic spiritual leader whom people come to when they need a sympathetic ear. And I have some fantastic friends, so I'm blessed to be able to calm, reassure and heal them. 

Sometimes you don't get the role you want. Sometimes you grow up to fill the role you were meant to play. 

Smiles

In the year and 1/3 that I've been back to Illinois, I've encountered some new smiles. 

First, the smile of my wife has unrivaled beauty. Besides the inherent appeal of her smile in itself, it's the crinkle of the eyes when she looks at me to demonstrate what real love is.  She really does love me and it's a tremendous feeling. 

Second, the smile of my son, is incredible. He looks at me and his mouth opens in pure joy. I'm not the most important face he wants to see, I'm the only face, it seems. His unbridled joy at seeing me is such a true, sweet experience. One I hope others will be able to experience besides just me and my wife. 

Then there is the smile from my step-son. Having autism, he's not a very social guy. And, I know what buttons to push to make him happy. Video games. Fast food. Hugs when he needs them. But nothing beats the smile he has when he's looking at me when I haven't done anything. A smile of adoration from one who doesn't send facial queues like everyone else. A smile that means he's just happy to be looking at me and spending time in my presence. It's pretty fucking humbling. And exciting.  

My brother

My "aunt" Lois and I were talking about how Alex is so fixated with Joey and how he just stares when Joey is around. Joey wants no part of him, but I guess that's to be expected. 

My family has mentioned how my brother, Kurt, used to dote on me. Lois said that he would come home from school when I was a baby during a certain feeding time and I would always whip my head around when he came in the door and coo and Kurt would hug me. She said for months after he died that I would still turn my head, looking for him. 

It's not the first time I've wished I'd known him, since he died before I was one. However, it's neat to think that we had a mutual bond, even if for a short time. 

I've often wished for a brother or sister. I certainly have some great friends to whom I'm as close as I can fathom being to another (other than my wife) person. But I would like to hug Kurt just once and let him know he was special when he walked with us. 

Missing Jax

Jax, my black lab, died on January 13th, three days after his 12th birthday. 

I still miss him. At first there was a lot of grief, but also a relief that he was no longer in pain. Also, life was made somewhat easier. No hair all over. No having to take him outside. No food, water dishes. 

For several weeks I would come home and still expect him to be there, somewhere, ready to greet me, tail wagging happily. That passed. Seeing dogs in pictures or tv, particularly those that look like him still tweeks my stomach a bit. I pass by the pet section in a store and have to remind myself there is no reason even to browse. 

The last couple weeks I've been working in the yard where some of his last poops remain. What used to be an annoyance is now a sad reminder of the friend I used to have who is no longer with me. I don't want those to go away, but I know they will decompose, just like everything else eventually does. 

And now when the doorbell rings, I worry that it'll wake the baby, not cause Jax to bark. That makes me feel a little guilty - that I'm somehow replacing him. 

I know I'm a little silly, but I kind of want to put up a squirrel feeder, mainly to keep them away from my bird feeders. But Jax always hated squirrels, so I feel like I'd be disloyal if I started tending to the tree rats. 

I miss him and still can't believe he's gone. 

Candy crush saga

When I first saw friends playing this game, I thought it sounded stupid. 

Well, now I'm addicted. I love puzzle games, and not only is this game puzzling, but it's challenging and evolving. Still, it's only a game. 

But, life mirrors this game. Some days you'll get through several levels. Other times you'll have a level you work on for weeks or more. You might even give up for a while. Then one day you'll sigh, and give it a half-hearted try and get through it!  Once you reach a new area, you need friends to help you get to the next one. Just recently I passed my last friend who was ahead of me. 

You'll have days like that. Ones where it feels easy and you're skipping through life. Other times, the day seems difficult. You can almost see how to get through it, but you don't feel you have the skills or concepts to achieve the finish line. Sometimes you'll need a powerup. And you'll need friends to get you to the next area. You just need to keep plugging away. 

A few observations

First of all, I'm convinced that the squeakiness of a floorboard is directly proportional to how close it is to a sleeping baby.  Move the baby and different boards squeak. I've tried it. 

I'm also certain that whomever designed the entertainment cabinets with glass fronts had an infant. As I see my son trying to get through to my components, I am thankful he/she did. 

Snaps on baby clothes should be color-coded or numbered, at least in critical regions. A couple times I've snapped up my boy in such ways that he was contorted to have a leg functioning as an arm. 

I'm going to design a baby toy made of coaxial cables and power cords. Maybe with a fake wall outlet to plug it into?  Only thing is, I'm convinced fake cords won't work, as his baby superpowers would instantly discern the difference.  So most of my research budget will probably be spent on how to make it safe. 

Carrying case

Anyone else use the baby seat as a carrying case?  Now, I don't mind the cool diaper bag we got for the shower but the handles on the damned thing are too short for me to put it over my shoulder. And my hands are full with carrying the car seat, which apparently gains two pounds for every pound Alex grows. At nearly nine months, I estimate the total weight of baby and seat to be about 132lbs. 

And since that usually requires two hands, I try to put everything else I need into the seat. I tuck his bottle next to him. I'll put my phone on his stomach. Mail?  Yep, that gets lumped on. Hat. Wallet. 12-pack?  Basically if he can't swallow it, it's in there. He peeks through the eclectic jungle like a baby fawn, scared there will be a tiger around the corner, but still curious. Either that or he can't breathe. I'm not sure. 

One of the best things about having a baby and being a SAHD (stay at home dad) is that you have someone who is always happy to see you and thinks you are the funniest motherfucker in the world. He might be entertained by something super complex like the shadows his hand makes or how far he can get his foot in his mouth, but when he catches sight of me looking at him he'll break into a wide, gummy grin and act like I'm the most amazing thing he's ever seen. I'm sure he thinks of me as a thing, not a whom. Also, I am really funny. All those years being an olnly child have served me well. Hours in front of a mirror contorting my face into weird expressions and making strange sounds have, up til now, only allowed me the coveted title of "most likely to annoy" in every friends group I've been a member. Now, however, a squinty face or a vibrating of my uvula (yes, dudes have uvulas) sends him into convulsions. I am funny!  Either that or he's rabid or something. Hmm, he IS drooling. I'd better check that out. I'll get back to you. 

Hallucinations

So, sometimes, I am certain I hear the baby crying in the other room...even when he's sitting on my lap. It's weird how conditioned I am to that sound now. Whether it's in the store or the background on a tv show, I instantly look around, even when my son is right there and doing fine. 

Time management is mostly out the window. Plan as much as you want, but almost everything gets interrupted. And, when it isn't, my brain is mush.  For instance, I've been trying to get some time to sit down and blog. And now that he's playing quietly in his baby jail, I sit down and realize I can't remember all the crap I wanted to write. 

But, Sears will be here soon to deliver the new dryer. I'm so incredibly domesticated, it isn't funny.  So, I'll just cut this off and try to post again soon. 

Babykins

OK, it's been WAY too long since I posted. "Not long enough" you say? Poo on you.

Yeah, I now use the word "poop" quite a bit. I have a baby. OK, to be fair, around the baby I still use the word "motherfucker" quite a bit. It's around the 12 yr old that I use the word poop a lot. Having kids in the house drastically changes your vocabulary. I've gone from a foul-mouthed single guy to a... OK, I'm still pretty foul-mouthed. But, I can feel it changing. The fact that I even use the word "poop" at all is evidence of that.

Pushing a baby in a stroller (or carrying one around) invites all sorts of women to comment and talk to me. Mostly young, very hot women. I'm sure they're using the baby as an excuse to talk to me. I'm certain that normally I'd just be too intimidating to them. It's OK ladies, I understand. But, too bad for you, I'm taken! *points to ring*

But, seriously, the stroller is almost like a super power. We have one of those all-terrain jogging strollers. It is awesome. I take him out on trails and the road and everything. The best thing is, unless you're under the age of 22 (and sometimes even then!) when you see a man pushing a baby stroller in the road, you slow down. Without exception. And about 80% of the people wave. I was just out walking around the neighborhood and one of our neighbors came out to introduce herself. In D&D terms, it's like a +5 to CHR. And I'm already an 18, so, this little dude pushes me way over the normal limits.


I think the biggest impact of having a baby is the constant interruptions. I shit you not. Sorry, I poop you not, it took us 6 hours to watch "This is 40" this weekend. It's a movie about kids and having a baby in your 40s. Ironic? Possibly. Let me check with Alanis Morrisette. For instance, I sat down to write this and I'd just walked and fed and burped and re-fed and then patted the guy to sleep. He was asleep for about 15 minutes in the crib that he HATES. I had to get up and get him. Luckily, he's happily sitting here next to me, my arm around him, watching Monday Night Football. He's chewing on his hand. Not his fingers or thumb. His hand. Right now I can still see his elbow. Most of it anyway. I'm guessing he's OK.

It's super sweet that he falls asleep on my chest. I love it. The downside? Sometimes that is ALL that will work. Still sweet. Less sweet when I need to work on the deck. Or weed the yard. Or cook. Or blog or talk on the phone or go to a job interview or help our 12-yr-old or basically do anything.

And, now he's screaming again. He's a good guy. Very mello. But, babies scream. And that means this blog must end prematurely. I'm going to post it anyway. Who knows when I'll get a chance again. :)

2012 Music in review

This year I'm going to do this a little differently. I'm not only going to review music that came out in 2012, but music with which I became familiar or re-familiar. I'm also going to expand my categories to include live music as well as music that disappointed or did not live up to expectations.

Most Surprisingly Good Album
Foster the People - Torches
I was all set to hate this album. I first started hearing "Pumped up Kicks" in 2010 when it was released as a single. By the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012, the song was everywhere. It's a good, catchy song with some social significance, but I didn't think that Mark Foster could produce an entire album that good. I was wrong. The album is cohesive and complete. While it isn't ground-breaking, there are lots of good songs and it's a feel-good album. I also caught these guys on Saturday Night Live and they were very good live!

Most insidious song of 2012
Someone that I used to know - Gotye
Sure, I could have picked Carly Rae Jepson's "Call Me Maybe" but I think Gotye's song transcended popular culture more deeply than that song. There were parodies on top of parodies about the song. It is STILL playing on several Sirius radio stations. His video was weird. The song was good on SNL but the rest of his album is pretty much crap.

Along those lines, Guilty pop song pleasure of 2012 goes to "Broken Hearted" by Karmin. Yeah, it's cheesy, but I found myself jamming this song more than a couple times. Fun to "car-dance" to and simple to enjoy, it's just one of those tunes that sticks in your head.

Favorite group of 2012
Two Door Cinema Club
OK, so Tourist History one was released in 2010, but I didn't start listening to it until the end of 2011. I listened to it extensively in 2012 and it quickly turned to one of those albums that I could leave in my CD player constantly and listen to it over and over again. Their 2nd album, Beacon, came out in September 2012 and it's also good. I don't care for it as much as Tourist History, but it is growing on me. I also saw them in concert in Denver and they are excellent. Their sound is retro-80s with some added electronic feel. I didn't even realize they were from Ireland until I looked them up after getting into them. And though their sound is highly synthesized, it transfers very well to live music. I started a Pandora channel based on them and it's one of my faves!

First Listens
Philip Phillips - The World from the Side of the Moon
I really like Phillips. Being an American Idol watcher for several years, I'm always partial to those artists who seem to stay true to themselves. Phillips has a nice, gravelly voice with pretty pure tone. Yeah, he looks like he's taking a shit when he sings, but so what? So, I was pretty happy to hear "Home" being played all over the place towards the end of this year. I was actually excited when I was finally able to get his album. After the first listen I am disturbed and disappointed by how much he sounds like Dave Matthews, whom I hate. Hate is a strong word. Let's just say his music mostly disgusts me. Anyway, Phillips album doesn't SOUND so much like DMB, but damn his voice does. The album starts off pretty well and then seems to wallow in a bit of DMB-esque mediocrity until the 8th track "drive me" which is a little grittier and more original. "A Fool's Dance" is good and "So Easy" is better. Then he does a cover of Chris Isaac's "Wiked Game" that I find much more real and soulful than the original. Will this be an album I grow to really like? I don't know. But I do like Phillips and "Home" is an excellent song.

Favorite Album I'd never listened to
Raconteurs - Consolers of the Lonely
OK, much love to Jack White, but when you pair him with another excellent vocalist in Brendan Benson, you get absolute magic. I had heard Broken Boy Soldiers and liked it, but this album is pure genius. White brings venom and spittle and Benson brings the poetry and quirk. I feel embarrassed and distressed that I didn't know about this album until this year. It came out in 2008! It will definitely become one of my favorite albums soon.

Live performance reviews
This one is difficult. I'm going to have to split it out into several categories because I saw a LOT of music this year.

Best live music performance This year I was able to see one of my favorite bands of all time: New Order. I got to go with my neighbor and close friend and it was a total blast. To see them perform all these songs with which I'd become so familiar over the years was really a special treat. They are excellent in concert and if I ever get a chance to see them again, I will with absolutely no hesitation. The crowd was one of the best, most accommodating, friendly groups I've ever been around at a live performance. They played quite a bit of the older stuff including Joy Division. Seeing these guys was really a dream come true.

Best Show
Rammstein. I was lucky enough to go with one of my closest friends and we sat at the very top of the arena. Now, I'm semi-familiar with their music. I like their sound and enjoy listening to them, but none of their stuff is my favorite. Their performance, though, transcends music. To me, this is the kind of stuff Freddy Mercury would have done if he'd been a metal-head. There is so much fire and special effects I felt like I was watching a German circus. These guys are tremendous professionals. They just don't play music, they entertain. Truly a spectacle!

Favorite performance
The Jayhawks. This is a band I discovered on my own. One Summer in Minnesota I found "Tomorrow the Green Grass" in an endcap at Best Buy or Walmart or something and just decided to buy it. It soon became one of my favorite albums ever. I played it over and over and over. More than once at a lake party it played on repeat all night and was still playing in the morning. So, when I got to see these guys in Denver I had high hopes. Well, those hopes were exceeded. Individually these guys are not tremendous. Together they are incredible. The harmonies of Gary Louris and Mark Olson are fantastic. They sound even better live than on the album. And they played plenty of songs from my favorite album. Even my metal-loving friend agreed that they "weren't too bad"(high praise from him). I got chills when they played "Blue". What a wondrous, poignant, awesome show.

Most disappointing live show
When I heard that the Toadies were going to be playing with Helmet, I was stoked. I love the Toadies and could never find another band that was anything like them. Helmet was another band I really enjoyed. So, when I found that they were playing together I was elated. Well, Helmet started the show. I quickly realized that, though I know 3-4 of their songs pretty well, their music is just plodding, muddy and, quite frankly, boring when viewed live. Don't get me wrong, they are great musicians, but there is just something missing from them live. As the Toadies started, I was excited. But, after a fan got on stage, Todd Lewis (lead singer)went into a rant about how nobody should come up on stage and this is their work environment and blah blah. The crowd visibly cooled. I've seen a lot of live music and fans sometimes do dumb shit, but the LAST thing you want to do is alienate them by basically telling them to fuck off. I remember a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert when they actually stuck up for a fan who was being hauled off stage by security. They then invited people to come up and dance with them as long as everything was "cool". If the Peppers can do it, why can't some little one-hit wonder from Texas? Later another fan came up and Lewis basically pushed and kicked the guy off stage. That did it for me. While the music was still really good, I was just soured with the whole experience. Dispite still liking their albums, I won't go see them again unless it's free or something. Bummer :(

Best Punk Album
Pennywise - All or Nothing
OK, so I've loved these guys for a long time. I know they sound a lot like Bad Religion, but something about them resonates with me. When I heard that Jim Lindberg had been replaced as lead singer with Zoli Téglás,I was bummed. But when I heard they were coming to the Black Sheep in Colorado Springs, I couldn't pass it up. They didn't disappoint! Zoli was AWESOME! In fact, I actually came to prefer him over Jim. (Jim has since rejoined the band and they're coming back to the Sheep in February). This album is one of those you have to listen to a bit. But, once you do, you realize that it's some of their strongest work ever. The songs sound more dissimilar than some of the other albums, which is a good thing. Until now the only song that REALLY stood out from their work is the phenomenal "Bro Hymn" which basically made this band who they are. But on this album there are standouts like "Waste another day", "Stand Strong", "United"...ok, the whole thing is awesome. Very powerful anti establishment sentiments entwined with empowerment and brotherhood. Great album. Can't wait to see them again.

Best alternative album of 2012
Never Trust a Happy Song - Grouplove
Yes, this came on in September of 2011, but it didn't get much play til 2012. OK, so Tongue-tied is one of those songs that makes you want to dance but is also very fun and has substance. That song was good enough for me to get the album and I wasn't disappointed. The whole album is GOOD!. Very good, actually. It's a retro-feeling record with lots of interesting singles including "Itchin on a Photograph" and "Colours". You won't find a bad song on this album, which is rare these days. The whole thing is cohesive in both quality and element. Though it's definitely got an 80s sound, it has a modern feel to it. This is one of those records you can put in and play it over and over again.

Honorable mention
Night Visions - Imagine Dragons
When I first heard "It's Time", I instantly loved it. After their next single, "Radioactive", hit, I knew I had to have the album. This isn't one of those albums that hits you in the face and makes you say "WOW!". It's one you listen to and instantly feel like you've listened to it several times. It's really actually not tremendously remarkable. What it is is solid, cohesive and enjoyable. I feel like these guys will be making good music for years to come.

Best Album of 2012
Jack White - Blunderbuss
Two words can describe this album: Fucking Brilliant. I've been a fan of the White Stripes for years. However, most of their albums lack the cohesiveness to really make me LOVE them. Icky Thump was my favorite one and maybe that was just the final piece that led to this excellent solo album. After hearing "Love Interruption" a few times, I knew I had to get the album so I pre-ordered it. I wasn't disappointed. "16 Saltines" kicks ass and there is so much visceral experimentation and musicianship that I sometimes feel overwhelmed when listening to it. White's weird and honest and his voice is sometimes a mix between whiny and screamy without becoming annoying. This is one of those that will stick around for a long time.

Honorable Mentions
Voodoo Glow Skulls (performance), fun. - some nights, The Shins - port of morrow, All American Rejects - kids in the street, Gaslight Anthem - handwritten, Soundgarden - King Animal

Chain link fence

The sound of a chain-link fence is unmistakable. It's not quite the jingle of change in a pocket or a key ring. It's metal on metal but sounds different than anything else but every fence sounds the same.

The sound can elicit different feelings or memories depending on who you are. Maybe it brings back thoughts of playing kickball on playground. Or pitching your first baseball game in high school. Maybe it's a sound you remember from being shoved up against it by a bully. Or of a dog leaning up against it. Maybe it was used to keep something in. Perhaps it kept something out.

You know sounds in movies and TV shows aren't recorded while they happen. If you see guy run down an alley and jump on a fence and climb it, they're not recording the sound of the fence as he climbs it. All that stuff is edited in later. There are even professionals who do nothing but MAKE those sounds to sell to studios or work on-set to create the sound to go along with the specific scene. The click of a gun isn't really the gun clicking. The "sound" of a knife is the same in nearly every movie. But when have you heard a knife actually make that sound? It's kind of like watermelon candy. You know what the taste is, but it isn't REALLY watermelon. Same with BBQ potato chips. (gross!)

But back to the fence. I think they are overused. They are ugly and unremarkable. Make sure that whatever you're using your fence to keep in...or out...that you're not missing out because of it. And always remember, there is more open space in a fence than the wire itself.

Happier and happier

Just when I think I'm completely blissful...so thoroughly happy and content that things can't possibly get any better...they do.

So far November is shaping up to be one helluva month.

You know when you give up on a dream? Sometimes it's sudden or sometimes it's gradual. Or sometimes you just come to the realization that, "Hey, this probably isn't going to happen". And sometimes it's OK.

I had kind of given up on a few things. And then someone showed me that I didn't need to give up on love. And that love can still be a surprise. It can be something you've never experienced before. And that makes giving up some other dreams just fine.

And then...then other dreams begin to become realized too. I am slowly beginning to realize that with the right person, anything is possible.

I feel like jumping for joy. But I'm pretty sure I wouldn't survive re-entry from the upper atmosphere.

Advertising

I love how commercials try to convince you that their product is the best because of the features or effects they have, even if those effects are largely useless.

I always used to think that with the selsum blue commercials where they said "you can feel it tingling. That's how you know it's working". Really? Acid will make your scalp tingle. Is that better?

The latest is for the Galaxy 3 phone where they are making fun of Apple users by having 2 guys share a playlist by tapping phones. Really? How often are you going to use that? Ever? There are apps that let you do stuff like share contacts and stuff that seem more useful. As much as I love music I don't think I would ever share a playlist with them by touching a phone to them. At that point you just say "Hey, Fred did you hear the new song by Dynosaur?"

Belonging vs. individuality

You know, I think we all struggle with maintaining a balance between being unique individuals and also fitting in with the "norm".

In my recent trip home, Mom and I went through a bunch of childhood stuff. Some of it was my brother's. Kurt had Down Syndrome and from all accounts, was an awesome person. I say this because he died when I was several months old, so I don't know myself. One of the items we came across was his baseball uniform. He didn't play, but he had a red and white uniform that he apparently wore when the Cardinals were playing. It made me think that, even though he had what most people would consider "diminished" or "different" mental capacities, he still wanted to belong to a group. He still wanted to show his support, to be a member of the team. I can't say at all whether he wanted to be considered "normal" or if he even had any realization that he was different. I'm hoping he didn't, but, knowing humanity, I bet he did.

I remember desperately wanting to be like everyone else in jr. high and high school. My first day of high school I wore shorts with high tube socks. One very mean (and also dumb-ass) girl laughed at me, made fun of me and just ridiculed me. That very night I made my parents take me to get white lower-rise socks like everyone else wore. I was so embarrassed and upset that I was almost (or maybe was) in tears. Just because some stupid bitch made fun of my socks. Hell, I dressed more progressively and better than most of the people in our school, even though we did shop mostly at places like Venture, Walmart, etc.

I spent those years mostly in hiding. I didn't want to be different or unique. I wanted to belong to band. But though I wanted to excel, I didn't want to be singled out or anything. I guess as you get older you want to be more unique. Or maybe it's that you want to be noticed more. Certainly when you start dating you want to stand out from the crowd, right? But most people don't want to in a negative way. I've certainly seen some of that. Some people are very unique and different and they take pride in that. Some people even get their identity from it. I find it funny that those who struggle so much to be DIFFERENT are really no different than those who struggle to be the SAME. Conversely, disliking something because it is popular is no more "cool" than liking it because it IS popular.

Back to my point. We all want to belong. We want to have friends. Many want to belong to groups. Go to church. Have similar faiths or religions. Root for the same team. Work at the same company. We get our identity from this. But, we also strive to be different and unique. We want to have the best ideas. We want to be the winner. The conqueror. The discoverer. But most of us would act very similarly to how I did with the sock incident.

The older I get, the more confident I am with my style. I like things for certain reasons, not just because they are popular. I like my Adidas shoes because they work for me. If people think they look silly or stupid, I don't really care. At the same time, no matter how much I like an article of clothing, I wouldn't wear it if the general consensus was it makes me look stupid or weird.

I believe we're experiencing a similar identity crisis with our country, both as individuals and globally. Many have long associated themselves as a Republican or Democrat. But, the way both of those parties are being run, that label might no longer fit for us. And I think many choose one of the parties simply because of their greater dislike for the other. It's like that bumper sticker: "I root for two teams, The Cubs and whomever is playing the Cardinals".

I think many struggle daily with an identity involving religion. But what does it mean to be a Christian? Muslim? Jewish? For thousands of years people have killed each other because they think the other has a wrong idea on this. It's still happening. And "religion" can really be defined as more than just what god(s) you worship. It's about where you live, what you do, who you root for, what music you like.

As a country, we're the upstarts. People forget how incredibly young our country is. We take pride in the "old west" mentality of the cowboy. Killing indians. Building a home. Living off the land. Breaking wild horses. And that has helped us to be very successful very quickly. But now what do we do? Do we keep looking around for a fight? Or can we now look at ourselves as a country and re-define our global civility? We need to realize that we're not simply the smartest, strongest or "best" by default. Just because you were born in the U S of A doesn't make you better than anyone else. It's taking advantage of your opportunities (of which there are numerous) which you're afforded by living here. It's YOUR job to make the world (locally and globally) a better place.

In order to do that, you're going to have to be an individual. But, you'll have to figure out how to belong, too. And that involves not only forming opinions on things and sticking to them, but in changing them as well. Because those ideals, groups and political parties have changed and so have you. We (individuals and our country) need to re-evaluate where we belong, so we can lead.

Dead deer here

I moved the car to catch the sunlight. I think I noticed the flies first. Or at least the sound of them.

When I went around to photograph the back of the car I smelled something. Often I'll smell a skunk or something out there, but this was...different. It smelled like something bad. Musky. Dead.

As I moved, I saw a cloud of flies take off from a pile of compost someone had dumped. People dump stuff at this place quite a bit, so I hadn't really noticed it. Then the smell hit me again. Stronger this time. Fetid.

That's when I looked closer at the pile. It WAS death I'd smelled. It was a little unsettling even after I figured out what it was. There's been a lot of violence in the news. A recently-discovered body up north was still fresh in my mind as I looked at the carcass. And then I started wondering about scavengers. What about a bear or mountain lion attracted by this? It hadn't been around earlier in the week.

It's interesting. Anatomy is interesting and so is death. It bothers me that a hunter probably dropped it there. I'm not sure why they wouldn't just dispose of it normally. And then THAT got me thinking...why? who? how? It looks like the body has been decomposing for some time. So it's obviously been moved. Maybe someone found it on their property and just didn't want it around. There was also a pile of skin and several legs. I didn't really stick around to find out if it was just one deer or several. It was really starting to smell.

Ah home

So I now remember why I mentioned "home" in my previous post.

Growing up in central Illinois was great. And when I moved to Colorado 15 years ago I never thought I'd move back. However, I always called it home. Even now I refer to it as "back home". I've used it to relate to people or compared little towns I've been through. I've submitted it as my hick pedigree to prove to customers that I get the small-town way of life.

But, being back here after many years and actually having time to experience things and people whom I haven't seen in a long time made me realize that this place is STILL home. I love the smells. I love the people. The tractors. I love how green it is and how easy it is to grow things. Colorado is beautiful and I have some wonderful, life-long friends here. But, it is time to come back.

Regardless of the geography, there are just some things you can't replace. Family and special relationships are two of those things. Two of the things bringing me back to Illinois.

So, tomorrow I head back to Colorado and begin my quest to leave. I am impatient to make it happen but dreading sorting through all my shit.

I am sure I will become familiar with Craig's list and ebay. Wish I could do it all in a month! Can't wait to be back.

Of birthdays and childhood and home

Birthdays have always been pretty happy occasions for me. A couple years ago that changed. I had a party and got spectacularly drunk. Puked.

Now that's nothing new, but when you get older it hurts a lot more. Not a good decision.

And then last year I got my face beat in. Again, not a great party. :)

Every birthday represents another year of getting older. I don't want to get older. Getting older sucks, pure and simple.

Well, birthdays used to be a lot of fun. They were an excuse to party and have fun. I remember some great birthdays at arcades. I remember a Star Wars themed Bday that was tons of fun. Growing up as an only child with 3 parents, I was pretty spoiled and catered to.

And, I think this year is the beginning of that happening again. Lots to be thankful for and so much making me happy (especially one thing).

So, I kind of lost the point to this particular entry since it's taken me about 5 hours to type it. If I regain my thoughts I'll add. But I guess I'm just happy to...be happy. :)

H a ppi

In my entire life, I have never been more happy.

My heart vacillates between feeling like its missing and that it will explode from my chest.

If you haven't experienced it, I highly recommend it.